I am flawed ... but I am cleaning up so well

Hello. I am listening to Dashboard Confessional, as you may have guessed from the subject of this entry. Well ... Not much to say today, except ... once you've known hell, can you ever really go back? It's like in Lord of The Rings, at the end of the trilogy, where they ask how the world can go back after so much evil has existed.

Maybe I'm just being melodramatic, but I think I'm having a nervous breakdown again. I don't want to tell anybody, and the only person who might possibly read this anyway will be Stu. I can just feel it. I'm getting really paranoid, I jump at every single sound and I want to cry all the time. My whole life has been based on me only telling people I trust about my problems. But so many people know too much about me. I know what people think about me. I know. I keep thinking that people know I'm depressed again. The only way I can hide it is by being hyper, which makes me feel worse, as I don't have the energy. I have to force food down my throat, I can't sleep, and every single thing that happens to me seems magnified a hundred times.

I wish I could get some help, but I just can't. I can't make myself go to a doctor, and I don't want to go, either. I managed to give up cutting for what? Two, maybe three, months and then it's all down the fucking pan again. Why do I bother? Why do I do this to myself and everyone else all the time? Maybe I should just go die, that would probably be better for everyone.

Sorry Stu, I'm just feeling crap right now ... and sorry to everyone else who might be reading this. I feel angry at myself and the world. Sorry I exist.

<3 Clover